holidays on ice

i was thinking about my last post and about why i have felt so estranged from humanity this semester. it kinda dawned on me as i was reading dave sedaris' "holidays on ice." i am incredibly sucked in by this mans writing. i feel it to be right up my alley. i find his dark humor and cynical outlook extremely refreshing and relateable. then i found myself wondering why. why am i like that? the simple answer is, i don't know, but i always have been. that is a freeing realization: I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THAT! i am a cynic and a jokester and a bit of a jackass. and i just decided there is nothing wrong with that. because it doesnt infringe on my beliefs or on me loving people. it makes me laugh and makes me love myself even more. it makes me feel more whole as a person. and this is why i don't belong in utah. i think that since i moved to utah 3 years ago i have been suppressing my personality for those reasons above, and how i feel that they don't fit into the stereotypical mormon persona. truth be told, i don't get most mormons. i don't understand why they are the way they are and don't feel i can relate to them and therefore the thought/ act of interacting with them causes me stress. well fortunately, throughout the years i have met a few people who have either been like me, or at least appreciated my differences. colin, just like me. marissa, opposite but that attracted us both. afton... well, afton has a shell of sweet optimistism but she's got a little cynic inside of her as well, and on the days when she doesn't, she shrugs and laughs mine off. the point is, this semester i have no one like that around me, and it's been a freaking drag, man. so i'm going back to california where i once belonged. will i ever belong in utah? only time will tell.....