Monday, December 22, 2008

I

am happier than i've been in a year. cheers to home. cheers to christmas.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

another holiday classic

in a fight between tiny tim and the bloody olive, this one obviously wins.

oh mickey, you're so fine

mickey's christmas carol always gets me in the christmas spirit. i think it's that tim... so tiny and cute! merry christmas yaaaaaallllllll

Thursday, December 11, 2008

BFFZZZZZ

ashley and lisa

kelly, me, and lisa

jordan and hannah


i want to blog about my high school friends. because i just remembered how much i love them!

so it was me, lisa, hannah, jordan, ashley, and kelly. those were my girls. and oh what girls they are.

*we all already know how cool lisa is.

*hannah is so fun... i've known her since i was like 5! we went to the same swim club together and were lifeguards together there when we were 16. it was cool to have our schools merge in 6th grade and get to start hanging out more. she was always the party planner, getting us together on weekends and driving us around. she always had crazy ideas :) but she was totally responsible too! it was cool because we were bff but we were way different. hannah is a beautiful lil dollface but she wasn't super into looks. she was much more sporty, pretty much on every sports team in high school (specializing in basketball and volleyball) and she was always wearing sweats and stuff to school.

*jordy and i became good friends in 7th grade, and then got to go to the same school starting from 9th grade. we met in church so of course we had an automatic bond. jords so cool cause shes kinda like hannah... very sporty and active, but also a bit of partier/fashionista. when she gets going this girl is freakin crazy... super loud and funny. loves it.

*ashley and i met in 7th grade as well.. taking an initial "liking" to each other in exploratory class. i guess we just clicked cause we were both chill and cool, but not obsessed with being "popular" so we just got along. ash is probably THE most unique person i know. she is always one step ahead of the rest of us with her sense of fashion and art. but at the same time, she doesn't spend a lot of money on clothes. she's kind of a cheap hippie. i think she probably started the whole thrift store phenonenon. seriously. mary kate is just a wannabe ashley. haha ;)

*kellllly! how i miss this girl. i met her in 7th grade also.. geez 1999 was a magical year for me. kelly is the bombbbb. sadly she moved away in 9th grade but for a few years, her lisa and i were the fearsome threesome. and luckily when we get together, it feels like not a day has gone by. she is BEAUTIIFFUULLL

all these girls are so beautiful inside and out. i am so lucky to know them. isn't it cool when you can contribute a part of who you are to some wonderful people?

LOVE YOU FRIENDS <3

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

holidays on ice

i was thinking about my last post and about why i have felt so estranged from humanity this semester. it kinda dawned on me as i was reading dave sedaris' "holidays on ice." i am incredibly sucked in by this mans writing. i feel it to be right up my alley. i find his dark humor and cynical outlook extremely refreshing and relateable. then i found myself wondering why. why am i like that? the simple answer is, i don't know, but i always have been. that is a freeing realization: I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THAT! i am a cynic and a jokester and a bit of a jackass. and i just decided there is nothing wrong with that. because it doesnt infringe on my beliefs or on me loving people. it makes me laugh and makes me love myself even more. it makes me feel more whole as a person. and this is why i don't belong in utah. i think that since i moved to utah 3 years ago i have been suppressing my personality for those reasons above, and how i feel that they don't fit into the stereotypical mormon persona. truth be told, i don't get most mormons. i don't understand why they are the way they are and don't feel i can relate to them and therefore the thought/ act of interacting with them causes me stress. well fortunately, throughout the years i have met a few people who have either been like me, or at least appreciated my differences. colin, just like me. marissa, opposite but that attracted us both. afton... well, afton has a shell of sweet optimistism but she's got a little cynic inside of her as well, and on the days when she doesn't, she shrugs and laughs mine off. the point is, this semester i have no one like that around me, and it's been a freaking drag, man. so i'm going back to california where i once belonged. will i ever belong in utah? only time will tell.....

Monday, December 8, 2008

hundred and twenty onest

i decided i don't like my ward. which is weird, because at first i thought i really did. or maybe i just decided i really would. anyway, it's not about anyone in particular, it's just the ward collectively. the collective vibes if you will. i feel like they wait to talk to you until they know you have something smart or funny to say. you have to prove yourself. it's not like i think they are judgmental or anything. it's nicer, more subtle than that. it's like they let you decide how they're going to judge you. i can see it in their "let's see what you have you have to offer" stares. so maybe it's my fault, maybe i just wasn't in the mood to make friends this semester . and why should i be? friends just move away, get married, change, make it clear they have no intentions of "jumping through hoops for you"... stuff like that. either way, it doesn't really matter to me because i'm moving in a week. i guess it makes it easier to say goodbye, knowing you're not really going to miss anyone/no one's really going to miss you.

shows

big time live musical performances i have attended (to remind myself / you were probably wondering)

hanson (3)
nsync
britney spears
maroon 5 (free in a park)
dashboard confessional (2)
the roots
papa roach
sum 41
moby
aquabats (3)
modest mouse
franz ferdinand
interpol
muse
taking back sunday
weezer (2)
yo la tengo
fiery furnaces
andrew bird (2)
the shins
st. vincent (2)
scout niblett
of montreal (2)
mgmt
fleet foxes
squirrel nut zippers (2)
tenacious D
jimmy eat world
celine dion
beach house
the long winters
man man
the killers
apollo sunshine
liars
shiny toy guns
west indian girl
yeah yeah yeahs


it's definitely more than that, but that's all i can recall right now. just that list took me like an hour. maybe i'll add to it later.

shows i've regrettably missed:

arcade fire
band of horses
fiest
my morning jacket
sigur ros
iron and wine
the strokes

bands (besides those listed above) that i just really want to see but haven't had a chance:

neutral milk hotel
the weepies
the wrens
my brightest diamond
belle and sebastian (do they even tour?)
camera obscura
fionna apple
the white stripes
i'm from barcelona
the hippos
girl in a coma
danny fujikawa
deerhoof
fleet foxes and the shins again. and again. and again. and again.

the end.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

irony=sucks

i am trying to apply the atoning blood of Christ, because

"Periodically, we too will experience a measure of irony, that hard crust on the bread of adversity. Jesus met irony constantly as He was taunted by circumstances. For instance, this earth is Jesus' footstool, but at Bethlehem there was "no room . . . in the inn" and "no crib for his bed," as "foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head" (Luke 2:7; Hymns, no. 206; Luke 9:58; see also Acts 7:49­50). The Most Innocent suffered the most, when some of His subjects did unto Him "as they listed" (D&C 49:6). Bearer of the only salvational name, yet the Lord of the Universe lived modestly as a person "of no reputation" (Philip. 2:7; see also Acts 4:12; 2 Ne. 25:20; Abr. 3:27). Christ "constructed" the universe, yet in little Galilee He was known merely as "the carpenter's son" (Matt. 13:55).

You and I, when impacted by lesser irony, are so much more brittle, often forgetting that some tests by their very nature are unfair, especially when crusty irony is present."

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

december 4

the best part about my birthday is going to be wearing this dress:

http://www.tulle4us.com/dresses/S6089/

oh the joys of having a credit card <3

oh and ps- i got it for 45, not 80. i aint no fool.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

love.


i am filled with gratitude and love right now. after learning of Elder Joseph B. Wirthlins death, i read this article on LDS.org and was reminded of the spirit of his that i felt every time i watched him speak in general conference. his talk this year about "come what may, and love it" was so refreshing and uplifting while i was going through a time of personal struggle in my life. also thinking back to 2 years ago, when he spoke on love, it was so touching because he started shaking and Elder Nelson got up and epitomized the love and charity he spoke about, by standing beside him and holding him still and upright for the rest of talk... priceless. beautiful.

i'm so greatful to have the church in my life.

to read the aforementioned article on Elder Wirthlin go HERE

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

SeVeN RaNdUm ThInGz AbOuT MeH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. i have a not-so-secret obsession with the olsen twins (mainly mary-kate,) because i feel like on the inside our of minds we are the same people.

2. i don't have a single clue what i "want to be when i grow up," because i have interest in everything/nothing really.

3. if i had a million dollars i would: give one tenth to tithing (aww), spend 10,000 on stuff (clothing, house decor) from anthropologie, give some to charity/poor people?, pay tuition, buy my family a house in utah (provo/park city? both?), take trips to europe, canada, nyc, japan, thailand.. okay, take as many trips as i could, buy a couple burritos, some red mango, and that's it because i can't think of anything else right now.

4. i have been to 5.. almost 6 colleges. de anza, uvsc, byu, byu slc, almost university of utah, uvu. mahaha.

5. murial steals my pictures and i am planning on cutting her

6. lisa is my bffaeaeae. or should i say bbf. we met in 7th grade. in the back of my school, past the track, there is a pathway to walk on so the cool/underground/indie kids' parents could avoid the traffic in front of the school and pick their kids up in the back. well, i carpooled with some chick named amanda kidd, and amanda knew lisa.. so we would walk with her/she would mooch a ride sometimes. before you know it, me and lisa had literally FALLEN in love. we had more fun on the pathway then i ever remember having in all of middle school. we'd write songs about people etc. not sure what happened to amanda. anyway, we joke around that we met on the PATHWAY of life. because we did. as for the "bbf" thing, you have to understand that lisa is a little "special" in such a beautiful way. one time in 7th or 8th grade, she wrote in my yearbook "bbf," meaning "bff" and it just made me laugh and make fun of her a lot. she, being the genius that she is, joked around that she meant to do it and that it meant "best buddies forever." i could write a freaking book about lisa. she is my bbf and my family. we've been through thick and thin together. i've never met a more legit/human/Christ-like person in my life (which is probably why i have such high standards of how i think people should be). if you're reading this, i love you friend :)

7. last night i had a dream about an alien. yeah. me and ariel saw a UFO and followed it til it landed, and some alien popped out and told us that his planet was going to invade ours. also that their planet was like 5 times bigger than earth and that it had 24 billion inhabitants. so we were real scared. but while we were waiting for this big invasion, the alien and i made out in the trunk of a car while ariel drove us around. dead serious.

i tag.................. afton. <3

Monday, November 24, 2008

burned by the cold

i'm done counting on humans. because, as we all know, humans are as "fickle as a paper doll" (thank you annie clarke.) i have never experienced as many ridiculous things as i have in the past year. i just counted, and we're talking like 11. 11 intensely ridiculous things/situations/humans.

from now on i am counting on:
baby Jesus
me
aliens
herbal supplements
flux
a time to live, a time to die, a time to eat burritos, etc

it's all good. 23 is bound to be better than 22. 2009... a billion times cooler than 2008, obv. i can't wait, really. bring on the good decisions/maturity/any other way.

advice for the masses for this holiday season: watch how you treat every living soul.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

life after doubt

i feel peace.

children's letters to God:

“Dear God, I keep waiting for spring but it never [did] come yet. Don’t forget.”

“Dear God, If you made the rule for kids to take out the garbage please change it.”

“Dear God, If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.”

“Dear God, It is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can’t you do that with the moon?”

“Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy.”

“Dear God, I read your book and I like it. I would like to write a book someday with the same kind of stories. Where do you get your ideas? Best wishes.”

life before doubt

i am disturbed.

from everything to mormon phoebia to ridiculous relationships to having -$$$ dollars to my name to the thought of the future.

if every moment of our lives were cradled softly
in the hands of a strange and gentle child,
i'd not roll my eyes so.

Monday, November 17, 2008

lolz

this stuff has made me laugh today:

me: hey afton. what are you doing?
afton: just thinking about the obamas.

ariel: "this world is just crazy... everyone is a hedonist. they just want to eat, drink, and be married." (maybe or maybe not accidently/hysterically referring to the opponents of prop 8)

lisa: i had a freaky dream about that guy i have a crush on. we were making out and i went to grab his *edited for content* and it was an electric gadget. so now he freaks me out.

gtgto bed...... brb tomorrow <3

Thursday, November 6, 2008

things

some things i have learned about myself recently (i'll add more as i go on living.) :

1. i am morally opposed to hunting and wonder if becoming a vegetarian would make me feel more whole as a person

2. i am fairly non judgmental and expect people to give me the same courtesy i give them

3. i sometimes pretend i don't care about things because i don't think i should

4. i care about art and everything it includes probably more than i care about anything

5. besides the gospel of Jesus Christ and everything that entails.

6. i am in a rut and there is no reason i should be having trouble connecting with people

7. i am stronger than i thought

one of my very favorite songs.

get me away from here i'm dying
play me a song to set me free.
nobody writes them like they used to so it may as well be me.

here on my own now after hours
here on my own now on a bus
think of it this way,
you could either be successful or be us.

with our winning smiles and us,
with our catchy tunes and words.
now we're photogenic
you know we don't stand a chance

i'll settle down with some old story
about a boy who's just like me
thought there was love in everything and everyone
yes so naive

they always reach a sorry ending
they always get it in the end
still it was worth it as i turned the pages solemnly and then,
with a winning smile the poor boy with naivety succeeds
at the final moment i cried
i always cry at endings.

that wasn't what i meant to say at all
from where i'm sitting, rain
falling against the lonely tenement it sets my mind to wander
into the windows of my lovers
they never know unless i write
this is no declaration, i just thought i'd let you know goodbye

said the hero in the story, "it is mightier than swords
i could kill you, sure, but i could only make you cry with these words."
cry with these words.

get me away, i'm dying.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

i voted

i voted.

i guess that makes me awesome.

and, does any one know the secret to accumulating passion? if you have any ideas, please send them my way asap.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

birds

all (one of) these squawking (mocking) birds (humans) won't quit,
building nothing, laying brick (s) (walls.)

side note:
do you (my house mates) remember when i once yelled "crosswalk, sucker!" out the car, to some pedestrians? and you (one of you) (lindsey) thought i said, "squawk, squawk, sucker!"?

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Prop 8

Disclaimer: I did not write this. I found it in a friend of a friends blog.. some guy named Robbie [shout outz boy] and I happen to share a lot of the same feelings as this guy.. but he puts it better than I ever could.

Now, I'm a faithful, somewhat liberal, gay Californian Latter Day Saint living in Utah. Not that that fact lends my thoughts on this matter any more validity than anyone else's. Just that I want people to know where I'm coming from. I am aware that the word "gay" connotes entire lifestyle choices to many readers here, so I will clarify: I am attracted almost solely to other men, but I also believe the Church when it says that to act on homosexual desires is wrong. Many would call me naive in my attempts to remain faithful to my religion, but I am insulted by the notion that people (particularly homosexuals in this instance) are incapable of controlling their impulses and living by a higher moral law. I am very tolerant of others' making the choices from which I intend to abstain. I also know many people sneer at the idea of tolerance because a degree of disapproval inheres therein, but I can think of no other word for how I feel about it. I try to live by a double standard when it comes to ethics and morals: I am very permissive with others, while trying to maintain a behavioral stricture for myself.

I struggled with the Prop 8 issue the moment I heard about the letter from the First Presidency to the members in California. I was disappointed that this issue received so much more attention than other recent moves from the church intended to reach out to its homosexual population, such as the pamphlet entitled "God Loveth His Children," which can be read in the church website. I also wish the government would stay out of the marriage issue altogether, and was saddened to see that the Church was supporting a constitutional amendment that would only serve to further enmesh the legal apparatus with the issue of marriage. I also have many friends (a brother and a best friend included) who are living active gay lifestyles. I love these guys. My best friend is dating a wonderful guy right now, and I would love to see them happy together forever. I also have a very strong sense of live-and-let-live morality; do whatever you want, as long as your actions don't impinge upon my own liberties. And the issue of gay marriage feels like one of those times when it couldn't hurt the church to allow the gays to change the label of something they already have.

A few feeble reasons have been presented. The case of the Catholic Church choosing to discontinue their adoption agency in Massachusetts after the judicial decree that they place children with gay couples is evidence that maybe at least some of the Church leaders' warnings are not merely slippery-slope scare tactics, but rooted in verifiable past experience. The Church's claim that marriage is ordained of God could be expressing a claim that marriage is not a societal contract between people, but rather something older, immutable, and God-given.

Still, these are claims that pale in comparison with the apparent (or perceived?) effects on the homosexual people of disallowing marriage between two members of the same sex. Furthermore, these claims are not ones that could be made to persuade someone in any secular light. To me, the obvious choice is to allow gay marriage.

However, I am cognizant of the fact that I have not attained the longest view on any earthly matters. I do have a testimony of a living prophet (and that testimony has been reinforced recently due to my soul-searching on this issue). It is strange to me that the church is taking such a strong stance on what appears to be a political issue. My political views are sharply contrasted with the commandments I've been given from the church. But I have to remember the watchtower metaphor: the man up in the tower shouts warnings and instruction to the people below, and the wise heed his words because they know he knows something they don't.

For me, it all boils down to this quote from President Harold B. Lee:

"The power of Satan will increase; we see it in evidence on every hand. …

"Now the only safety we have as members of this church is to do exactly what the Lord said to the Church in that day when the Church was organized. We must learn to give heed to the words and commandments that the Lord shall give through his prophet, 'as he receiveth them, walking in all holiness before me; … as if from mine own mouth, in all patience and faith.' (D&C 21:4–5.) There will be some things that take patience and faith. You may not like what comes from the authority of the Church. It may contradict your political views. It may contradict your social views. It may interfere with some of your social life. But if you listen to these things, as if from the mouth of the Lord himself, with patience and faith, the promise is that 'the gates of hell shall not prevail against you; yea, and the Lord God will disperse the powers of darkness from before you, and cause the heavens to shake for your good, and his name's glory.' (D&C 21:6.)" (in Conference Report, Oct. 1970, 152; or Improvement Era, Dec. 1970, 126).

The promises made in that quote are powerful, and they're what I truly want out of this life. I really do believe these words from one of our latter-day prophets.

I do worry that people will read a quote like this and become myrmidons. That sort of unquestioned loyalty is what leads to the worst of inhumane atrocities. So let me be clear that I would never obey a commandment with which I disagree. But I will appeal directly to God to ascertain that a new commandment is indeed from Him. That's what our leaders have counseled us to do (indeed, it's the counsel that led to the first vision in the first place): to appeal directly to the source of all wisdom. One can receive a second witness of the prophet's words through the Holy Ghost.

That's the invitation I'll be making to my friends who are pondering what to do and on which side of the line to pitch their tents. The invitation to not just go out and vote based solely on political ideologies or visceral reactions to sensational pleas and anecdotes. Nor do I want people to vacantly follow the instruction of any leader or activist. I would have people take all of those things into account and ask God in humble prayer (being willing to have a change of heart if the answer is contrary to the one expected) what their responsibilities are vis-a-vis Proposition 8. If you happen to get a different answer from mine, I will support you in your decision, knowing that you (like I am) are choosing to act on your conscience in the best way you know how.

When I did that, I received an answer that I can't rightly defend to other people using the usual logic and rhetoric. But when people ask me how I can possibly defend such a notion, I can view it as an opportunity to bear my testimony of a living prophet, whose purpose is to be the mouthpiece for God and help set a common course for people in a time when so many divergent paths are viewed as the right one.

In fine, I don't urge you to vote yes on 8, but I urge you to turn the question directly to your God and act accordingly. Whatever decision you make, I love and respect you, and I hope the best for you and for all of us.

Friday, October 17, 2008

stone foxes, fleet foxes

LAST NIGHT I WENT TO A FLEET FOXES SHOW! I AM WRITING IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I AM STILL SO EXCITED! i love the fleet foxes, but aside from that, this was the best live show i have ever experienced. i dare say they might even sound better live than in the recordings. the vocals and harmonies were literally stunning. robin sang 4 or 5 songs by himself, one being completely unplugged and acoustic, in the dark, over on the side of the stage. i'm not even embarassed to say i peed my pants a little. you would have too. for your viewing pleasure: a video clip of mykonos and some pictures.






video

if there's one thing i learned when i was still a child, it's to take a hike

this post is delayed because my computer has been out of order for a few days, but on tuesday ariel and i went on a wonderful hike up in sundance. i don't think i've ever enjoyed being outside so much in my life. it was beautiful and it helped with my breathing issues. after hiking 2 miles, we arrived at some breathtaking waterfalls and a river where we made tea and meditated on the masterpiece that is life. here are some pictures documenting one of the best days i've had in a long time.



Thursday, October 9, 2008

laughable, man.

i have never known the meaning of "starving student" until just now. this very second. i am starving, and i am a student. today i ate a box of macaroni and cheese. in 3 sittings. it was good, but i am still starving. i have 20 dollars in my bank account and i have 100 dollars left to spend on my credit card, with monthly payments of 60 dollars. for some reason i can't stop laughing! luckily, i still have some things that can't be bought or need not be bought because i already own them.. here is what they are:

-some ugly clothes
-some good memories
-a car
-a room in a house, maybe not for long
-a brain that works okay
-a heart that usually fails me
-a little bit of faith in something.
-afton
-some friends, some times
-a family that probably cares if i'm alive
-did i mention, memories
-dreams at night
-and at day
-something to live for: fleet foxes in one week
-a couple role models
-some hair
-this conversation with my friend patrick:
Patrick: i am alright and you
Adrienne: same. same as im beginning to think i will always be.
Patrick: na things always get better then they get worse then they get better again its about finding the koy int the moments in between.
i just made that up you can quote me
i know i sound sage right
well i am bitches!!!
Adrienne: hahahahahahahaha
you made me pee my pants a little
Patrick: oh and its joy not koy
Adrienne: yeah i got that
Patrick: why would you pee your pants that is sage wise advice
and counsel
you like how i repeated myself twice with out really repeating myself
Adrienne: actually yeah
you are blowing my mind right now
Patrick: i am such a genius!!!!!
if everyone was as smart as me the world probably wouldn't blow each other up
Adrienne: our minds would just blow up
so worth it
Patrick: yeah agreed

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

on Christ

"Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse." -C.S. Lewis


makes sense.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

sweeping the dust off a dirt road

marissa paolacci is the queen of my life.

also, unlike my friend chris (see below) i enjoyed general conference very much (unto the swelling of my heart and soul with peace and truth etc) and i would like to, once again, publicly announce my testimony of the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints.

i would also like to say thanks to my friend ariel for being my friend and for spending the weekend with me.

also, i would like to say to my mother that people do change. thank goodness for that.

i guess that's all. but i would like to again emphasize my second point. because it's the only thing that matters.

thanks for reading.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

original soul


this past summer, chris allman was just another guy on the street. actually, he was just another guy at sego but he looked like he could have been just another guy on the street. he was wearing a cool womens shirt which i wanted. if he bought it at DI, i'm sad i didn't find it first. but if i couldn't have it. i'm glad it was him. it wasn't until he fell in love with my wife marissa that i subsequently fell in love with him. it was also after reading his "event" description for his non event on facebook, it was really a comedy CD release make enough money for gas to drive to olympia party. since then, i've talked to marissa on skype while he patiently waited on the other line. we sometimes write each other fb comments and write on each others blog entries. that's really the extent of our friendship. it's all because marissa is in ukraine and chris is in olympia and i am in provo. when they both get back, we are going to be the 3 bears. the good news bears. not to be confused with the bad news bears. we're going to make treats for me but i will share them with marissa and chris. also, we're going to do other cool things, but sometimes i won't hang out with marissa and chris because i anticipate them wanting to be alone sometimes.

(normally, i would have cropped our faces onto these 3 bears but i think they already kind of look like us. and especially chris, and especially cause he's not wearing pants.. i can see him doing that.)

chris allman is one of my BFF's and he has a wonderful heart.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

original mind


this post is deticated to scott munro. because we were once friends in real life, and now we're friends on facebook. <3333333333

Monday, September 29, 2008

dear anyone,

i have no friends. i just wish i had like one friend you know.. because i miss saying words to people and meaning them and feeling like the things they say to me have meaning behind them. everyone around me just talks. it's like they're robots. and i also feel like i have no present. like you know, past present future. i feel like all i have is my past.. haunting me. like my thoughts and memories, obviously, long for the past. but also facebook, the mini feed shows me pictures of "friends" who i once knew and spent time with and now i'm shown how they all just spend time with each other. and they all seem so happy you know. i even went to red robin today which, ironically, was like a ghost town. because it was between the hours of operation. usually i look forward to the future with hope that things will and must get better, but i fear because every day that i continue living this life, gets worse. it's been like that for the past 9 months and somebody told me we can determine the future by the past. like how the sun rises each day. or how the sun sets each day in this case. i just want to walk into the presence of a friend and collapse.

addie

Saturday, September 27, 2008

activity

today, i worked at borders where i don't know anyone and don't know how to do anything and i don't make any money.
soon, i will watch womens conference by myself.
tomorrow, i will work all day and it will probably go by very slow and the store will be empty and i will probably not have much human contact.
monday, i will go to school and learn about things i don't care about and then i won't do my homework.
then, i will watch movies all day and not talk to anyone. aside from when i come downstairs to eat where a few words will be said to me and i will return a few as well.
everynight, i'll lie awake in bed wondering when life is going to mean something.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

adrienne barringer

i named this post after myself.

Lately i've been watching a lot of movies on www.surfthechannel.com. If you have never heard of this site, I apologize for being the cause of your future wasted time. These are the movies i've watched and my brief opinion on them.

Lars and the Real GirlI thought this movie was whimsical, funny, and moving! JK! but i really did! definitely my favorite movie i've seen lately. it's all about the characters and their development and i've come to learn that this is what i appreciate the most in movies. and i feel like it had some GREAT acting that contributed a lot to the touching plot. really really good. two thumbs up for you lars.

PsychoI am getting ready for Halloween. and i've never seen this before. can you believe that? The simpsons episode referencing bates motel was just way over my head. i liked this movie! 7 out of 10! Sometimes these older movies are too slow for me but i was able to follow this one. It's a classic horror film plot, and i think i read that it was the first scary movie to focus on psychoanalytical material. cool! one downfall though, i didn't think the shower scene was all it's cracked up to be. nonetheless, hitchcock, you're the man.

Hannibal Rising
Without Hopkins, who cares?

No Country for Old Men
Obviously the cohen brothers can do no wrong, but it wasn't my favorite. basically: good acting, cool but not a seemingly super original plot, too much gore, pretty cinematography, minimal dialogue, very minimal soundtrack (like, there's almost no music. kinda cool kinda lame.) i also have a problem with storylines not being wrapped up. it kind of makes me want to die. meh.

Aside from those, i started watching Ratatouille and Wristcutters, but got ADD about 30 minutes into each. They both seemed pretty good, so maybe i'll finish them someday. Next i plan to watch Ingmar Bergman's Seventh Seal, because i heard it's his best movie.. and also the site doesn't have Persona. sad.

Does anyone have any suggestions for me? :)

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Sissyphus


So today in my ethics and values class, we discussed Camus' essay regarding the Myth of Sisyphus. As the story goes, the gods had condemned Sisyphus to a life of perpetually rolling a rock up a mountain, letting it fall down, and rolling it back up again. Camus compares the life of Sisyphus to almost every member of our modern society who blindingly goes to work everyday and lives a life of repetition and null of purpose. Sisyphus, unlike us, is said to be conscious and completely aware of his existence. As an existentialist who mainly wants to know why anyone should go through life without blowing his/her brains out, Camus is intrigued by the capability Sisyphus has to find contentment in his tragic fate. The discussion was essentially about the option of choosing happiness, in this dreadfully tragic life, no matter what your circumstance.

this is all very interesting and relevant, however, Camus' essay is not the point of this blog.

During our class discussion, the girl next to me was bawling. Like, weeping. Aggressively wiping tears off her cheeks and sniffing the snot back into her nose. I couldn't figure out why? Was it because this idea of creating your own happiness was so inspiring to her? Or because she had tried to find this happiness within herself and failed? Had she become conscious of her existence right in that moment? Or because she once dated a guy named Sisyphus and this whole 50 minutes brought back painful memories? Or was she doing a sociology experiment on me? Any ideas? All i know is that she worried me a little bit and I probably won't sit by her again if I can help it.

Also, as we were taking roll, our teacher asked a question about the name origin of one Frank Edward, and why he goes by Eddie. The girl/human proceeded to explain how he was named after his father and grandfather but was getting a sex change operation so needed a more gender neutral name. Our teacher proposed that "Frankie," in reference to Frank E would be a better choice.

School is kind of a trip. Life is kind of a trip. Good thing I have a french existentialist to remind me that I can be happy through it all.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

the sweater blog

get it, like the sweater song? well hello. so, i got a new sweater! here it is!



This is how it's normally worn.


This is how I'm probably going to wear it sometimes.do you think i'm cool? lol.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

everything all the time

hi! i suck at blogging. i just want to apologize for that. even though nobody reads this. i'm going to get better once i start caring. ...starting NOW! this is going to be my best entry EVER. tell your friends. are you sitting down? well stand up. this is a party. this is a blog party. and it starts right now.

current obsession:
my obsession with halloween has reared it's ugly head.. and specifically this masterpiece of a movie has inspired me to be sally for halloween.. not original at all and somewhat emo but hey, thats me


current musical enlightenment:FLEET FOXES. are you kidding me? am i really alive? yes, but it's because i've died and have been resurrected and now i'm in heaven. fleet fox heaven. watch/listen HERE... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCzIw4W7fdQ


current nostalgia: my little brother looked like this for 3 years in a row.


current omfg:not really but, who knew i'd ever want to vote republican?


current "can you be mine?":and/or a job. and chris allmans comedy cd. and afton.


current phone/ex bf:no comment


current philosophical/moral/ethical/ conundrum: marissa is in the ukraine?


current me:

Friday, September 5, 2008

again

iiiiiiive got nothing to giiive
got no reason to liiiiiiive.
but i would kill to survive
ive got nothing to hiiiiiide
wish i wasnt so shy.

yeah.

you know that song by the strokes that goes:

iiiiiive gottttttttt nothing to say
ive got nothing to say
ive got nothing to say
nananana dismay
i've got nothing to sayyyyyy.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

l o l s o l

one time a guy from efy came up to me and was like,
do you have a twin?? i just saw someone who looked EXACTLY like you!
and i was like, hmm no?
and he was like.. wait, i took a picture
and handed me a piece of paper with this on it:
:)

Thursday, August 21, 2008

today is the worst day of my life.

i said goodbye to someone that i love.
it's not just me, i tell you it's the both of us.
and it was hard..
like coming off the pill that you take to stay happy.

today the addie and afton show officially stops airing.
i don't know what i'm going to do with myself
i don't even know what else to say.
RIP.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

"i have...


...FELINE ISSUES" - staci lewis

Saturday, August 16, 2008

hi, it's me

i figured it was time for an update. i deleted my facebook, so if you want to know what's going on with me.. aside from who's writing on my wall or what my relationship status is, you'll just have to come here.

HELLO, WORLD.

the basics:
i'm still alive.
i'm still in provo.
i still don't have a job.
my brain is healing a little!
my heart is healing too!
afton is in town but she is leaving tomorrow FOR EVERR.
oddly, i am not freaking out. too much.
i am totally obsessed with the olympics.
did you see that stunt mike phelps pulled? <3 nastia
i am starting to feel more like myself.
ie: starting to care about things again,
like bike rides..
health and nutrition..
getting excited for school :)
THE GOSPEL
my home girl staci is moving out but some new qt's named libby and heidi are moving in..
i'll let ya know how that goes.

i guess that's it for now, dear blog friends, hope your lives are beautiful and full of light.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

give it to me, charlie


My Father
was a truly amazing man
he pretended to be
rich
even though we lived on beans and mush and weenies
when we sat down to eat, he said,
"not everybody can eat like this."

and because he wanted to be rich or because he actually
thought he was rich
he always voted Republican
and he voted for Hoover against Roosevelt
and he lost
and then he voted for Alf Landon against Roosevelt
and he lost again
saying, "I don't know what this world is coming to,
now we've got that god damned Red in there again
and the Russians will be in our backyard next!"

I think it was my father who made me decide to
become a bum.
I decided that if a man like that wants to be rich
then I want to be poor.

and I became a bum.
I lived on nickles and dimes and in cheap rooms and
on park benches.
I thought maybe the bums knew something.

but I found out that most of the bums wanted to be
rich too.
they had just failed at that.

so caught between my father and the bums
I had no place to go
and I went there fast and slow.
never voted Republican
never voted.

buried him
like an oddity of the earth
like a hundred thousand oddities
like millions of other oddities,
wasted.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

bored in hawaii.. sry.

1) Favorite object in your room?
cubbies, bed, art

2) Have you ever smoked heroin?
lolllllllllll NO

3) Do you own guns?
no

4) What flavor do you add to your drink at sonic?
no and no

5) Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
yes

6) What do you think of hot dogs?
they suck, except j dawgs rocks my worlddddddd

7) Favorite song?
too hard. it changes. currently "oh comely" by neutral milk hotel

8) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
water

9) Can you do push ups?
won or too.

10) Can you do a chin up?
not sinced i checked last

11) What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
a couple rings i have. i only wear rings.

12) Do you like blue cheese?
yessssssss

13) Ever been in a car wreck?
got rear ended by some boneheaddd

15) What's one trait that you hate about yourself?
the tendency to be weak

16) Middle name?
marie

17) Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment...
-fire breather
-does he like me?
-turn off the idiot box

18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday?
sandwich, water, stuffed tiki man

19) Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?
i dont. water. water. water.


21) Current hate right now?
emo music, chemical imbalances

23) How did you bring in the New Year?
party in the streets of downtown santa cruz with some of my favs.

24) Where would you like to be right now?
well i'm in hawaii, so this might sound and probably is COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS but i kind of wish i was back in provo. . .

25) Name three people who will complete this?
no one.

26) Do you own slippers?
yea i do GD

27) What shirt are you wearing?
some terry cloth tube dress sucker thing.... bridgets duh

28) Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
never had the privlege

29) Can you whistle?
no i suck

31) Would you be a pirate?
in a second

32) What songs do you sing in the shower?
any and every

33) Favorite girl's name?
cant tell you or you might steal them... mahaha

34) Favorite boy's name?
cant tell.

35) What's in your pocket?
aint got no pockets

36) Last thing that made you laugh?
my sister. i laugh at her a lot.

37) Best bed sheets as a child?
beauty and the beast sleeping bag

38) Worst injury you've ever had?
none, i'm strangely safe and healthy. i hurt my neck a couple months ago but it healed in like 3 days and then i was left with all these mind altering drugs. .

39) Do you love where you live?
i have a love hate relationship with provo but its mostly loveeely

40) How many TVs do you have in your house?
1

41) Who is your loudest friend?
loudest as in like most talkative or obnoxious or literally high volumed? either way, probably ariel.

42) How many dogs do you have?
one dumb dog

43) Does someone have a crush on you?
most likely no

45) What is your favorite book?
book of mormon!!!!!!!!! but seriously, yea.

46) What is your favorite candy?
i dont really like candy. heh. you want to be my friend on halloween.

47) Favorite Sports Team?
sharks? jazz? all of the above? none of the above?


48)Where is the next place you want to travel to?
seattle. portland. new york. euro. canadia.

49) What were you doing 12 AM last night?
sleeping. i'm in HAWAII. i go to bed at 8.


Thursday, July 17, 2008

thank you.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/734069587.html

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

not worthy of a title, just another stupid entry

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around and shouting that he has been robbed. The fact of the matter is that most putts don't drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey ...delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride." - President Hinckley

i guess this is supposed to make me feel better. . . . .

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

joke.


i feel like everyone thinks i am to blame. wellllllllllll, fyi, i'm not. and, THANKS FOR LETTING THEM THINK THAT, bro.