i'm a

faker faker faker faker faker faker
and it's so exhausting.
but it's the only way to keep all these demons at bay.
so, i guess i have to be alone forever.
because this is my life.
breathe that in.
there's nothing i can do.
this is my life.

better

if you never say your name out loud to anyone, they can never ever call you by it.

more to come.

hay

hey. i'm so tired. you would think that after school gets out, one would be able to rest and BREATHE again, but i guess not if you have to write one more last english paper, organize acoustic night, get repeatedly and drainingly annoyed with your roomates, stay up til 4 am every night, work on the busiest day of red robin history, and prepare a lesson for sunday school. i just really need a nap. i'm SO excited to go home. people say living in the future or past can't make you happy, but it seems to be the only thing working for me at the moment.

katherine whalen from the squirrel nut zippers kind of just asked my friend james to join the band.

and finally, my hair is brown. here's a picture. don't judge me.

this entry is about life

i'm almost completely and utterly in love.
as far as i can tell.
and it feels. . . O K.

oh, and i'm dying my hair dark right now.

it might look bad.
but it's O K.
i'm almost beautiful on the inside.

stealing home

Chapter One: i should probably get a grip on my L I F E.
the last couple days have just passed me by without me knowing what was going on. between the nights of going to bed at 7 and 4am, i somehow neglected to attend my last anthropology class, in which i was supposed to turn in my 5 page paper. so i emailed it to her with still no response. then i woke up an hour before i was supposed to work on saturday, but luckily my friend ryan wanted my shift so i happily handed it over. then i decide i'll go to salt lake with my free night, which was fun, but little did i know i was supposed to work the next morning. which is a shame, because i had planned to spend the whole day writing the last 7 pages of my english research paper and pretty much my whole grade for that class. so i get to work 2 hours late, and to punish me they make me stay an extra hour, so on top of that plus sidework and silverware, i get back at about 6. well at this point i am slightly delirious from the lack of sleep i'd gotten the night before plus working (hard.) so i take a 3 hour nap. wake up at 9, do my paper til 4. as i'm setting my alarm clock i'm planning to give myself time to shower, print out my paper and articles etc, and stop at smiths for extra credit food and a folder to put the paper in. so it's 11:30 and i'm blowdrying my hair, when i have this epiphany. my class either starts at 11 or 12. not 1. so i go check, and sure enough it's 11. make a long story short, i leave a frantic message on my teachers answering machine and head to campus where i get a call from her telling me to breathe and that she'll be there for another hour and i can go turn my paper into her office. so i used marissas binder she bought from D.I. for my paper and printed all my crap out at the computer lab. now i just have to write another [?] page paper (it was the free write-final for our english class) and email it to my teacher. basically, i'm lucky that my teacher is such a delightful women, and i probably deserve to fail all my classes due to my laxity. if anyone reads this, remind me i have an ART HISTORY FINAL on thursday at ONE (i think :)
christmas break, COME A LITTLE FASTER WOULDJA.

oh tom

now that christmas is approaching, mass production is seeming far more appealing to me.

I want the WHOLE WORLD!

This is what I want for my birthday. Seriously, this is what you have to get me.

1. HEIMA
2. Other movies such as: Everything is Illuminated, Breathless, Science Of Sleep, Raging Bull, The Conversation, Rebel Without a Cause, Life is Beautiful, Shawshank Redemption, ACROSS THE UNIVERSE.
3. Kisses, and along with that, a boyfriend. and a boyfriend for my rat.
4. Kittens!
5. A tomagachi.
6. Thrift store everythings
7. Stuff for my new apartment (Anthropologie.com)
8. New scriptures. . seriously, mine are falling apart.
9. Chipotle.
10. To get my shift covered at work.
11. A fedora.
12. Plaid.
13. Elliot.
14. Mars in SF.
15. Salt.
16. Mudd pie.
17. Nude pie.
18. A PONY!!!

and YOU. come play.

PS- Christmas Trees are more expensive this year. That tricky Jesus, always trying to make a buck!

paintings i completely adore

don't you think?

the lights go on, the liiiiights go on.

but seriously, i make stupid decisions sometimes. and it's not like they're life changing or life THREATENING but they're just unnecessary and i know that. i should be focusing more on making really GOOD decisions, like things that will take me in the direction i want to go, rather than being okay with doing some stupid stuff every now and then because i think it won't matter. i should care about my life more. and like value every day. right? well today was pretty good. i basically did homework all day (which i might like to think was a really good choice on my part but rather i was somewhat forced by procrastinations wrath.) anyway, working hard really is an admirable quality and i shall strive to possess it more. i should take my own advice when i advise marissa, "THE WORLD IS NOT A JOKE!" but let's be honest, the world is kind of a joke. tee-hee.

now everyones favorite part of the day, YADA YADA!:
-i was just cracking my knuckle on my cheekbone (i do it to every solid part of my body) and i'm pretty sure i just slipped and knuckled myself in the eye. ow.
-no two people who claim "cognitive disonance" as their "life story" could make it work. at least until one of them changes their claim.
-sigur ros movie at velour on friday. i offered to work for my friend. might have to declare grandma's death.
-did you hear what the pope said? he said, "either our church is true, or yours is (the mormon church.) either there was an apostasy, and there was need for a restoration, or there wasn't." sweeettt logic, popey! (pop eye? cool movie. haven't seen it for a while, i should rent it.) i like that he says either the CATHOLIC church or the MORMON church is right. that's better than debating between like 500 churches. and, well, obviously, my church wins.
-it snowed a little today. cute for a second but, i pretty much hate the snow.
-after tomorrow i am done with my hispanic culture project, and then i only have my 4 page paper on GONE WITH THE WIND, and my 15 page sustainable agriculture paper to finish. sweet deal. christmas feel free to start washing over me.
-gone with the wind is not that good of a movie. i had to pause it and take like a 5 hour break. i am about to start it up again.
-wish me luck.

only love.

the only explination

i am either out of my mind or i lack one. what a swell life to live.

i have nights cloak to hide me

i'll go on, no such sight to be shown but to rejoice in splendor of my own.

how goes it, kind minions? happy belated thanksgiving. dude, i'm like TOTALLY thankful for you.
but srsly, if love be rough with you, you be rough with love.
what to share with you...
marissa and karleigh and i are watching romeo and juliet. the drugs are quick. as i get older this story seems more and more bogus. haha. PSH, LOVE, who falls in love anymore. pleeeease.
siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggghhhhhhhhh
from my lips by thine my sin is purged... give me my sin again. that shake-e-speare. what a guy.

OH-don't you love it when you figure things out? i can never heard/understand derek at work and assumed he just mumbles or talks quietly or something. but then today derek asked bryant to do something, and got mad when bryant didn't hear, to which bryant responded, "MAYBE IF YOU WOULD TALK IN MY DIRECTION."
derek doesn't talk in peoples directions. that's funny to me. i think he's shy. today i told him he was cute and he said, no, ugly. (which essentially made him cuter.)

so, music. how pleasant. my new favorite hobby is searching for artists on myspace music and going to the 10-50 sites that claim to be the artists', but really, they are just people posting their music. and sometimes they make the songs downloadable which is fantastic for me. i'm going to make a cd of all this ecclectic crap.
currently i need to listen to more of:
beirut
tom waits
the fall
band of horses
wolf eyes
rogue wave
the shins (ha ha, just kidding.)
or anything that isn't your typical indie twee pop.
whatever else. feed me musica. my mouth and heart and ears are open.

just call me emoly

i feel emo. maybe it's all the EMO music red robin was playing today.
hey there delilah give this song another listen close your eyeeeeesssss
or maybe it's cause i haven't gotten a full 8 hours of sleep in a while.
and i need to clean my room
and i need to do some laundry
and i need to buy new shoes for work
and i need to do soooo mucchh hommeewoorrkkzzz
and i need to buy food
and hang out in salt lake more
and mack on boys
not girls!
now i'm just babbling
PSYCHO BABBLE
anyway
you know who i feel like sometimes? elliot sherman. he's a pretty smooth guy but like some people just don't get him. and then he feels akward and like he has to try to be cool so then he just turns into a fool. so i mean, if you don't GET me.. don't talk to me!!!! take a hike!!! get out of my face.
dude im soooooooo tired and thinking about deleting this blog but i kind of want to add one since it's been a couple days
SORRY THAT MY LIFE IS SO UNINTERESTING TO YOU
see? emo.
byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

a rave (yeah, that kind.)

i had such a good day! i will share with you why.

today, Afton and i went to the TRC (MTC - helping missionaries by pretending you are the investigator while they teach you lessons.) at first i was hesitant, thinking i wouldn't know what to say or something. but afton and i had the sweetest missionaries! the first two we're both of hispanic decent, and were on their way to argentina, yet they were still struggling to learn spanish. it was cute. well the lesson was going good and they were doing a great job, but when a certain elder Ray got to bearing his testimony on Joseph Smith and the restoration.. it was pure magic. the Spirit was so strong. afton thinks we had a strong spiritual connection or something because he was pretty much looking into my eyes the whole time, as he's on the verge of tears bearing his testimony. it was just so lovely. i felt like i did when i was 12 and would feel the spirit. choking back tears and smiling uncontrollably. i probably sucked at my job, because i didn't dispute anything they said or really ask any tough questions. but it was a cool feeling to realize i didn't even want to FAKE that i didn't believe what they were saying. basically it was just a really great experience and i'm excited to go back every week.

ANYWAY, when we were done with that afton and i went leaf collecting to make art which turned out pretty dope.

THEN, marissa and i confirmed our plans to eat thanksgiving dinner at the marriot hotel, and then chill in salt lake and watch the J. Smith movie and maybe volunteer at a homeless shelter or something. can't waaaaitttttt

AND, ACOUSTIC NIGHT TOMORROW! i'm getting so freakin pumped. we actually have a lot of people who want to play, which i was worried about. and i know at least half of them are good. should be completely kickin. COME!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST, OF MONTREAL ON FRIDAY!!! with that comes SALT LAKE and with that comes URBAN OUTFITTERS!!..peeing my pants... and CHIPOTLE. and jeri and maybe tanisha and derek and james and the PIE and whatever else we want.

ohh and i finally burned the across the universe soundtrack onto a cd so i can listen to it in my car.

OH!, and, this weird smell that no one enjoys but me is infiltrating p-town. yeah, God loves me.

as some have said, life is so goooooooooood.

"untitled"

sometimes, there are just no words.
wwwoooooorrrrrrrrrrddddddsssss
haha
<3

just wondering how , never got cold wearing nothing in the snow.

i feel like i talk about the same things and people all the time but i don't care. tonight at work, i said to derek, "remind me to tell you my life story." and it kind of got me thinking about how far i've come. first of all, a little background on what me and derek were discussing because that's worth mentioning.

me: derek, i heard something about you.
d: it's not true.
me: i heard you used to be active. like recently. that you would say things to ben like, hey ben, what do we believe about this? so that i can prove to my friend that we're right.
d: yea.. i was a teacher. but then i just got turned off to the whole thing because of my ward.
me: what happened?
d: they suck. they treated me crappy.
me: dude. that's sad. that's not what church is about. go to your friends wards.
d: they suck too.
me: yea, utah is weird. i have a cool ward. come to mine.
d: okay, maybe.

a little later in the night..
me: tell matt he has to come to my acoustic night.
d: we gotta buy him some weed so he can write good music for it
me: don't encourage him, he wants to go back to church
d: dude, he's the one that got me smoking weed.. if it wasn't for him, i might be on a mission right now
me: you can still go!!
d: no i can't
me: yea you can dude. i believe in you. remind me to tell you my life story later.

so, sidenote: let's hope derek goes back to church so i can marry him

but anyway, i was thinking about what all i would tell derek if i ever do get a chance to tell him my life story, and i was like dooooood... i was such a bad-a. probably worse than derek. i don't know that much about his personal life but he seems pretty level headed. i was like, out of control. i guess it's not chill to get into it over the innernetz but i am just thankful to have ended that chapter in my life. it was pretty freakin scary. and honestly, it wasn't that long ago. like 3 years. and it took me everyday of working hard during those 3 years to make improvements. i could never have imagined how hard it would be, yet at the same time how worth it. i really feel like a different person. it's swell. anyway, to derek or whoever is reading this, the church is true, little darlings. do whatchu gotta go.

you sing me to sleeeep

to quote joel barish, "why do i fall in love with every person i meet?"
i must have a crush on at least, 6 people at the moment.
i guess that's a good thing.
to quote james mcomber, "everythings so lovely when you're not in love."
mmmmm. SWEET SONG JAMES!
now meaningless commentary:
i smell like ciggarettes
did mike and briana REALLY get married in the temple?
beaver pelts?
colin is not friendly and finally, i don't freaking care
i wanna watch eternal sunshine now...
gotta study for art history and write 2 essays for a total of 18 pages.
where the hell is night night from and why don't they have a myspace?!?!
all my roomates are getting sick and i'm scared
oh, and they all hate my rat so let em suffer.
you do not get first dibs just because you're old.
i hope marissa is still cool when she gets back from idaho.
good night.

if i fell

my neck hurts. i didn't cry today. okay, i might have shed like 3 tears but cmon. that's much better than the last couple times. i just don't understand the human race. when people piss me off, i often say "nobody cares about anyone but themselves," hoping they will get the point, and i'm really started to believe that. i know that's like a super negative way to look at the world, but i also think it's just extremely realistic. that's how humans are. that's how i am. it just sucks when you have had your eyes opened to it. ignorance really IS bliss. but i mean, most people aren't mal intentioned. so there ya go, i'm an optimist again. life is just OKAY. it's just medium. and happy mediums are hard to come by so, we all win forever.

let's get out of this country

i dunno, maybe if i knew anyone was reading this it would inspire me to WRITE A LITTLE MORE.

here's the scoop on my europe trip:
going to these countries-

portugal
paris
london
belgium
amsterdam
copenhagen, denmark
oslo, norway
stockholm, sweden
finland
st. petersburg, russia
prague
vienna, austria
venice, italy
milan, italy
florence, italy
rome, italy
naples, italy
switzerland
monaco
barcelona, spain
madrid, spain
bilbao, spain

we cut greece dude. and maybe a place or two in italy. i mean, we gotta spend more than TWO days in paris! and i was rallying hard for ireland but wah wah it's hard to get to or something. it's like, an inch away from london on a MAP. anyway.. looks like we'll be spending a significant amount of time in italy, which is cool, but i'm super excited for portugal, amsterdam, st petersburg, and BARCELONA! and of course finland, to see the lovely aura family. that will be so sweet. anyway.. that's pretty much all we have planned so far. we're still trying to plan our specific activities, but first we all need to figure out our definition of culture. it's pretty complex. i'll post updates when i have em.

loooootttttttssssss of loooooovvvvvveeeeee and candy canes and stuff,
80

[because the wind is high] it blows my mind

ACROSS THE UNIVERSE IS HANDS DOWN THE BEST MOVIE EVER. okay, that's saying a lot.. but seriously, marissa and i saw it last night and i am slightly obsessed. i don't know if it was the music or the cinematography or jim sturgess' stupidly good looks or all of the above, but i basically have not been able to do anything today besides download the songs, read plot synopsis', look at pictures of every actor, watch movie clips, and have vividly euphoric daydreams about the movie. i don't think that's ever happened to me before. sure--eternal sunshine, science of sleep, and amelie all have the artsy qualities but might just lack the little bit of heart and soul provided by the soundtrack. i also love that i've been reminded how much i dig the beatles. ahhhhh, memories. anyway, if you haven't seen it WILL YOU COMMIT TO SEEING IT? satisfaction guaranteed.

bitterheart, tonight.

I FEEL LIKE THIS GUY right now. how bout a song.

The gutter may profess its love, then follow it with hesitation,
But there are just so many of you out there for rent.

A stronger girl would shake this off in flight, and never give it more than a frowning hour
But you have let your heart decide, loss has conquered you.

You've won one too many fights,
Wearing many hats every time.
But you wont win here tonight.

You've made it through the direst of straits, alright.
Can you help it if plain love now seems less interesting?
You haven't changed an ounce in my eyes and I cannot lecture you.

And does anything I say seem relevant at all?
You've been at the helm since you were just five,
while I cannot claim to be more than a passenger.

But you've won one too many fights,
Wearing all of your clothes at the same time.
Let the good times end tonight,
Oh girl, sail her, don't sink her this time.

Just a moment or two from now, not a mind will retain even a trace
Of the thoughts that I struggled to tell, and how our stack of cards just fell.

So settle this once and for all.
The light no longer shows the cracks around my door,
And I have no lantern to light your way home tonight.

You are not some saint who's above giving someone a stroll through the flowers,
You've got so much more to dream of.
Oh girl, sail her, don't sink her this time.

Thanks, James.

A couple things: i hate derek, i hate boys, i'm an idiot, i'm never going to be happy, i'm really sick of humans, i'm still an idiot, i probably should be nicer to people, wishes are for fishes, somebody pinch me.

30 more days! pray for me.

ask if you want to know.

pink geetar

word up. i just got home from eating with james at red robin and my belly is full. we ate a MUDD PIE! it was dope. now james is playing my guitar and he's a swell musician. he's a nice human too. i'm trying to think how else to educate my readers. oh - interpol show on monday, and i could not be more excited. only ten dollars. i will be privileged to be in the presence of derek, alex, ian, hopefully jacob and whoever else wants to come. you come. and tell your friends. look, i gotta go. james is belting out california by rufus wainwright. ONLY LOVE

a rave (not that kind, sorry.)

it's one of those nights that stemmed from one of those days that stemmed from one of those weeks. someone take this computer away from me because however badly i want to rant i probably shouldn't for fear of making things worse. let's just say i'm missing lisa. in my mind, that sums everything up. it's like everything lisa is and everything she stands for. for those of you who don't know lisa.. we've been best friends since 7th grade. and i mean best friends. she is my family. she's just so dope. she goes to uc santa cruz and migrates between there, san jose, and san francisco where she attends buddhist meetings and visits her boyfriend. she just knows whats up. she's one of those like 5 out of 100 people who get it, you know? she just got back from ghana. she wants to save the world. she reads the paper and cares about things outside of her own superficial world. and she cares about me, so thats pretty sweet. anyway.. it just sucks when you live in a place like PROVO UTAH where (if you know anything about the lds religion) people CLAIM to get it but they just don't and it's completely obvious and ridiculous and hypocritical and annoying. so for you 95 out of a hundred people who i come in contact with too often and who DON'T GET IT.. grow up. or something. i don't know what to say and it's probably because i'm one of those people i'm talking smack on. i hope not. anyway, i'll just keep putting on this smiling face and hope that someone like lisa will come along and see through it and save me from this facade and tell me it's okay to be pissed or annoyed once in a while, and that maybe the world is not such a big joke, and that rarely you will find someone who cares about things other than themself, and then tell me the latest scoop on the war in iraq and then we can both make fun of bush together without me feeling like a freaking trader to my country and to my religion.

whew. am i done.................? yea i think so. peace out.

church is true

oh and i wanted to give a shout out to marissa. word.

c'mon utah. grow up.

OREM, Utah (ABC 4 News) - The media savvy California attorney, Gloria Allred was handling the Britney Spears custody case Monday...Tuesday she was in Orem where she called Orem police stupid for prosecuting the case of Betty Perry. Perry is the Orem grandmother accused of fighting with a cop over a citation for her brown lawn. Allred calls the case a travesty of justice.

Allred came out firing, blasting the Orem Police Department and calling them the laughing stock of the country. She wouldn't come right out and say a multi-million dollar civil suit is in the works, but her words suggest there may be.

Gloria Allred is known for her high profile cases in L.A., not for misdemeanor court in Orem.Still the feminist lawyer agreed to stand by Betty Perry Tuesday. She was appalled by the actions of the Orem Police Department and determined to see justice served.

“Isn't it enough that this great grandmother who had never been arrested in her entire life was taken to jail and placed like a common criminal in a holding tank to lie in a fetal position on the floor for fear of being further abused,” Allred said.

Perry is charged with two misdemeanors, one for not watering her lawn, the other for resisting arrest.

“How many of you would like to have your great grandmother taken from their home handcuffed with bruises and blood and placed in handcuffs for failing to water her lawn?” asked Allred outside the courtroom.

Initially the officer was suspended for roughing Perry up, but now the department has done an about face. Orem City is prosecuting. Allred believes the turn around came after threat of a civil suit.

“Today law enforcement in Orem has enshrined themselves as the laughing stock of our country. This ill conceived action ensures Orem’s law enforcement authorities first place in the Guinness Book of World Records for stupidity.”

Allred insists she is just here to support Perry, and is not her attorney. It's clear the criminal matter comes first, but one can't help but wonder what happens next. Will there be a civil suit?

“I've been practicing law for 31 years. I've represented thousands of clients and we have won hundreds and millions of dollars for victims,” said Allred.

The city contends their investigation was thorough, and Perry did violate a city ordinance, and Perry was hurt because she was uncooperative.

Perry entered not guilty pleas Tuesday. She will be back in court next month.If she's convicted she could see six months in jail and face some hefty fines.

sheer simplicity

i've recently purchased amelie, a very long engagement, and gilmore girls season 5. who wants to come watch them?

in other news, i need to: write 3 more pages of my essay, buy lightbulbs, study for art history, take my car in to get fixed, pick up my check, ask michelle where my box of shoes went, eat sushi.
i think that's it.

thank you, blogspot, for letting me use you as a DO TO list.

yesterdayyy

september 13, 2007 was a GREAT day! my brother and his wife had their first baby. a little boy named elliot. sadly, being in utah, i haven't been able to meet him yet but this is what my sister had to say along with the picture she sent, "Baby Elliot, 8.9 lbs. So chill, laying in Natasha's arms looking around yawning not crying at all. He is amazing." He sounds pretty great.
Also, a dear friend of mine got home from his mission yesterday.
AND, i dropped my class. i'm only taking 9 credits now but WHATEVA, i do what i want.

i need water or something

iiiiiiiii will love you AGAIN
i will love you
like i uuuusseddd tooooooo

i HATE my class which makes me hate my life at the moment to the point where mountain goats songs make me CRY. today is the last day to drop, and i don't know if i can add another class because apparently they are all full and/or closed or something. and it's already been like 3 weeks. but if i just drop it i will only have 9 credits. which means i won't have insurance which will mean i won't have been to the doctor in 2ish years. I HAD A YELLOW TONGUE!!! i could be dying.

you can be handsome, i'll be pretty

it's a new day and a new blog. blogs are for like, social commentary right? modern art is cooler than.. vintage art. i don't know if it's the million versions of madonna and child but my headache has been getting worse throughout the day. costa vida is amazing, like always. my stomach is too full now, like always. i'm excited to meet the new indie girls who moved in next door. good thing i have marissa to attract people like them (with her untamed hair and uber urban clothing.) now i must go to work at the bird. one of us might be a bird for halloween. any other ideas? LETTUCE KNOW!

i'm finally alive!

A blog (a portmanteau of web log) is a website where entries are written in chronological order and commonly displayed in reverse chronological order. "Blog" can also be used as a verb, meaning to maintain or add content to a blog.

my livliness has just been verified due to me getting a blog. now i can be cool like marissa, marissa's mom, annie clark, christina, cassian, and dan and diana. this has got to be the 49th best day of my life. cheers blogspot and blogger friends!